Fear.

I have the fear of the unknown. Im not afraid to die, and how I am going to die. But I do fear what's going to happen after death. I used to get horrible anxiety due to it, I still do actually. I can never sleep, at one time I was taking benadryl, tynenol pm and nyquil just to avoid my anxiety so I could sleep. Until my mom found out, she was pretty mad about that. But upto today I can't sleep well because of my fear of thinking too much. I really think way too miuch about after death and why is it that we are even here? Really what is reason in my being? Am I even doing anyone any good? I mean really... Even speaking of it now isn;t such a great feeling. Because I really hate thinking.

Bob Dylan Review of Nobodys home part one extra credit

Bob Dylan is a "Rolling Stone."

The movie begins with Dylan speaking how he has been looking for a home that he had forgotten about. Then cuts to the song "Like a Rolling Stone" because like his song he has "No Direction Home." Music was a huge part of his life even at a young age. He began to play guitar at the age of ten and was widely inspired by a country song known as "Drifting far from shore." He says that the song made him feel, " As if he was born to the wrong parents or something." The area he lived in was very rural, people would do "odd things." It seemed like the most fun he would have was listening to the radio, one of these men who enchanted him with a "voodoo-like voice" was Johnny Ray. Another was Muddy Waters, he mentions that it was never the singer who he would pay attention to but the music that the musician had produced it, in this situation an African American(Dylan).
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One time for his school, he played the piano on stage in fornt of the class audience. According to one of his friends it looked like he was attacking the piano. So the principal had to close the curtain on him saying it was unsuitable. This already shows that he had established that he wanted to be different form the generation he had grown in. He even says, " Time obliterated the past."
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As the movie progresses, we continue to see Dylan perform his music, and as he is leaving to get in his car after performing "Like a Rolling Stone," the English audience comments that his new music totally changed. One fan even mentioning that, "he is prostituting himself." Many people liked his freewheelin' album, but the next album had loss the rhythm of his guitar.
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Bob Dylan then begins to talk of his adolescent ages and that he attended Minnesota University. However, he never even attended the classes. Also unlike other artists, "he didn't really have a past to write about at the time." Yet, he felt that he fit in with the "mad ones." The importance of music also take a turn in this part of his life when he traded in all his electric equipment to buy an acoustic guitar, without moments of attaining it he began to play it.
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The next transformation for Bob Dylan was his name, his last name is not really Dylan. Some say that he borrowed his last name from Dylan Thomas, a poet. Others say he got his name to reduce racial tension towards himself due to anti semitism. But Bob Dylan said that he dosen't even know how the name really stuck. (Personally I just don't think he wants to share that with us). Another big influence to his music was Woody Guthrie, he said about Guthrie that, " You could listen to his songs and learn how to live." He even attempted to go to New York to meet Woody Guthrie.
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The folk Dylan started coming around after his view of Joan Baez. He saw her on T.V and, "thought she needed a singing partner." By around this time the moving part of the nation was in Greenwich village, it was a bohemian atmosphere and was bombarded with art movements, and known to be the birth of great creativity. To encompass himself with this area he also began to play in "The Village" cafes. He caught the attention of many because he was playing Woody Guthrie songs.

I sometimes forget who I am

..................................................................................What I mean is sometimes I forget my religion and where my family comes from. Personally I hate when people take too much pride into their cultures, I mean I am proud to say where I am from. But I hate when people do that, and forget America but their living in it. But anyways, my family is from trinidad. I am the first born generation here, and I love it here. I mean I love New York, I don't think I would want to ever live in any other state. But anyways my family is Trinidadian, but in Trinidad its like groups of different races. I mean mostly New York is obviously like that too, but in Trinidad its really small, so we have only those certain groups the most. But yes anyways, we have mostly groups of either Blacks, Indians, Chinese, Dutch, English Irish, and Arab. They mix a lot too, I mean more then here. Its impossible to find someone who isn't mixed. Like I'm indian, dutch, and chinese. We take mostly more on the Indian side because thats what we mostly are. But when I was younger I was always embarassed to show that I was indian, because I mean honestly people here sometimes can be arrogant. Not all, but there are jsut stupid stereotypes. I mean I used to absolutely love saturday mornings with my dad, we would wake up mad early and watch hindi songs because there was this program on t.v called namaste america and play all songs from hindi films. I mean hindi music, it is so so so good. I don't understand what their saying, but the english subtitles, its like poetry. Its so beautiful, their meanings are so incredibly beautiful. And so then we would watch hindi films too. ........................................................................................................................................................

We would watch the classic ones, not the new ones because the new ones now are too "americanized." By that I mean, hindi films are indian because thats what they are. now they try and make it to american or western. Hindi films are supposed to be sappy and romantic and their is always singing and dancing in it. And the way the women dress are so pretty and different, now they dress like us. Which is annoying, you know? So I used to watch hindi films from the 1960s-70s. They always make me cry, they still make me cry. The only reason I'm talking about this is because my dad bought two new hindi films this week, and I was like this is so stupid, I haven't seen an indian movie in years now. So I thought it was going to be stupid.... I ended up balling because it was so sad. I mean if your open minded to new things, you should watch a hindi film, they make you cry and their like poetry. I mean I personally think their like poetry. So I know Mike, you have an interest in India, if you want a good bit of it, you should watch a classic hindi film. they are good, I personally like this one called shor, and another called hare rama hare krishna. Hare rama Hare krishna makes me cry everytime i hear this one song. So yes, I think I would like to go to India one day, because my mom always wanted me to go but she always wanted to take me there when I would understand it. because India is struck with poverty, and at a young age, I would never understand it. But I think im prepared now. And I also am going to start watching hindi films gain, because at one time it was a huge part of my life. And I mean I guess its like tradition, so I don't think I should lose it, You know?

Stealthy

Teeth

...................smushing against teeth

i feel your tongue

..................................................................................swirling around
................hands compressed against my head

stealthily........................creep down my body...
.................Touching..
.......................................................bothered.
Hot.Heat.Scorching.....................................................................................NOW.

...............................Temptations rise and hair gets messy.
Rolling around.
.....................................Articles of clothes are ripped away.
Hmmm.....Sensations of bitter sweetness.
........................................................................................

.Begging for more, when it is done.
.......................... Hopefully another time again. Time to go.

Close Encounters

I work at a halloween store, so i can tell you I come across many interesting people. I work the cash register, I am one of the only ones who actually does the cash register too, which sucks because I usually have to stay later than others. But anyways I meet many odd people. My register is right next to the front of the store, so yesturday I saw this one guy walk in. He was in his mid fifties, gray hair but full. He had overalls on, not a sight you see often, but with white paint splattered all over it. He walked in with his son or maybe grandson, saw me, and walked straight up to me. I mean if you saw this guy you would think he was a hick or something and seemed pretty mean too.I would've thought he had a deep manly voice, but instead he came up and speaking softly asked me for cow ears. I told him, "No I don't think so, but you can look in the animal section." When telling him that I examined he looked kind of like Freddy Krueger, ironic because I work in a halloween place, and his eyes were very beady and small. Way too small for his chubby face. His lips were puckered up and tiny, like a baby that was on a pacifier for too long. His nose was also very small, it jsut seemed like his face was too big for his face parts. He also wore glases, that hung over his nose rather than on his eyes. He had a limp too, I have no idea how he got it, but I bet it could be a story. His son/grandson followed behind him, and said "I'm scared to walk through the store." But the guy said "What are you scared of come on." Not in a mean way though in a way to teach a boy to be a man type of way. After a few minutes he came back to buy his product, it was devil ears. So I asked him, " What is it for." He told me suprisingly it was for his pooch. Imagine that! Some overly grown, guy who would be judged to be scary was buying something for his dog to dress up for halloween. So I was like, "oh thats so cute, I know dogs don't usually like costumes." He then went into this whole story about his pup, and told me, "he's a crazy dog, when i use my leaf blower the dog will go chasing after it." Laughing as he went out the door, with his hands holding his son/grandsons. Its funny how you see people and judge them, because you wouldn't guess the guy who looks like Freddy Krueger and wears overalls cares so much for his dog.

New concept of wordplay i made up.

Okay well I made up this new concept of wordplay and it can go along with the flash fiction. You see what you do is take a big word and break it down and then make a story up about it.

Say like the word beautiful.
Broken down the word is bee-you-tea-full
Now with the words bee, you, tea, and full I can make up a whole story with those words.

White suits, hairs pinned back. It was a scene of those people "sitting in an English garden." One of the men their was known as Henry Potter, he was the master of business. He had a meeting with this "new kid"James Smith, to create a new iron guilded company that would in his words, "take over the world". The bees were buzzing all around, much of an annoyance to Henry. Not only that but the weather was a cruel punishment for him, his brows forming little sweat beads and the sweltering heat only made him feel more frustrated. He really didn't care to hear the ideas of a new man in the other bussiness, nonetheless create a big company with some unexperienced "kid". A few more minutes passed and his visitor had arrived, but to his dismay he brought a visitor along. This dashing young woman with radiant eyes, and lips that could burn through your skin. Conversing with one another(the two men), this woman just stared through Henry, he felt like she had cast a spell on him. He couldn't even concentrate on what his partner was saying. To calm his nerves he began to sip his tea more than neccessary because it was the only thing to keep him focused. His partner had interrupted their conversation to go on a break, they were speaking for atleast an hour now and Henry began to feel really illogical. "How is it that this woman can re-route my whole train of thought, I must look like a fool right now!" He thought to himself. Henry sat their quietly with this lady, until she said, "You seem very uneasy, is something bothering you?" "Is she serious, he thought, do I look that unproffessional right now, or is she trying to make me look bad?" To this he replied, "No, nothing is bothering me." And the conversation ended. Whoever this temptress may be, Henry knew that all he wanted to do was see her again. Later throughout their meeting, Henry asked who the young lady was. It happened to be the James's sister. She was a Beautiful young thing and only he really wanted to do was get to know her... But not here, not during his business time. He didn't want her to think he wanted her more than he wanted his business. But his heart was racing, and his body was pulsating with desire. Finally the meeting had come to an end. Henry had no idea what his new partner was saying, but he made sure and shook his hand firmly and invited him into his companies new idea. And to this Henry said goodbye to his partner and sister, and they parted ways.

After getting Henry out of the picture, James and his "sister" excitedly talked about how big of a fool they made Henry look. "He is so full of it, said James. "I knew all I had to do to get the job was bring you along." "No matter how big of a business or guy you maybe, nobody could resist the beauty of my lover."Said James. " Your such a tease", said James's lover. And to that they made love all night long.


So that was funny. I really tried to write whatever came to mind when i thought of these words put together and this was the outcome

I remember it like it was yesturday.

You see there is this one memory that will always be in my head, and it's the day my aunt stole my cousins. Legit. Well to make a long story short, in brooklyn I live with my dad, grandma, and grandpa on the weekends. In the upstairs apartment lived my two cousins, aunt and uncle. My uncle is my blood relation. So my uncle wasn't a great husband, he would beat the living crap out of my aunt, he drank a lot. I mean it was like so normal to me at one point. "Oh grandma what's that noise upstairs" and in my head i knew what it was. I always ran up there to see to. Not a very nice sight at all.... I don't even want to go into details. So anyways, my grandma would run upstairs and take my two cousins and bring them dowstairs. I mean their kind of scarred for life, they saw it almost everyday. But i was so so so so so close to my cousins, incredibly close to them. They were siblings, not cousins. I was eleven when this happened, but my aunt stole a card from duane reade and identity theft. Blah. And went to jail, when she got out she blamed my uncle obviously, and other stuff happened too. But my aunt went to live with some other people, and my cousins remained with us. But this is what I recall and regret for the rest of my life. I could never ever forgive my "aunt" she's not my aunt anyways, i hate her fucking guts. She stole my childhood from me. I mean I guess my uncle's no better obviously, but I hate her more. So she came back from her stay away, and I remember saying "grandma, auntie marcia is home!" and grandma opened the door for her and let her go upstairs and told my aunt, "you did what you did and now it's done." So my grandma told me to get her laundry for her, which I did. And when I went to bring it to her, I noticed she was hiding something behind the door. I didn;t ask or anything I jsut gave her, her clothes and I knew, I KNEW WHAT IT WAS THAT SHE WAS DOING. but at the same time i was eleven, like what the fuck am I supposed to do. So go back to my grandma and after five minutes I go back upstairs, to my dismay my cousins are gone and so is my aunt. Ha she stole them. I told my grandma their gone, my grandma knew what it meant. I should have said something earlier, but the past is the past. Nothing I could do now. She basically snatched away my family, like ruined my grandma, and other stuff too, but thats another story. Anyways, is good now. I see my cousins every so often, the way it should really be, and my uncle and aunt are still married but live upstate. I guess its one of those odd relationships that one likes to get abused, I don't know. But yes anyways, i still regret it today. And Im still mad at her for various amount of reasons. I guess thats life, everyone has problems. I'm glad none of them are mine though. I just hated being apart of it, and suffering the consequences. I really do love my cousins a lot, and really a lot of my childhood was taken away because of this dilemma.

Oh p.s behind the door was my cousins. I'm so oblivious. I should've known it was them behind there. I guess things happen for a reason.

It is what it is.

So let's see today was pretty interesting. i worked for five to six hours today and it was actually very strange.The significance of this day at work was that we got a new manager! A manager who is a complete and total dick! Not to me though, nor the other girls... Which isn't a suprise. He kind of freaks me out a bit, not going to lie. But anyways the significance of today is that I am the closing cashier, and it was just me and this freaky new manager in the store alone. I was very afraid, I don't know him and I mean myself being who I am, I'm not very capable of defending myself. And I know this is obviously thinking way too far ahead, but I think when your a girl you think of these things because it is quite a scary situation. So i was thinking i hope I don't get killed, I hope he dosen't kill me etc. And then he told me this new rule put into place, and of course I am the first one who has to follow up on this. But it is too follow him to the bank in my car, so that I could be a "witness" to him depositing the money, just in case he gets robbed. Um okay... Because if I saw this big old man getting robbed, I am going to stick around and help. As good as a person I am, I'm not exactly security guard type, I don't even weigh 100 pounds. So as hes telling me this, he also tells me if i were to steal money from your cash register, you can get into trouble too. So my response was, " Like you mean I'm some type of acquiantance." He laughed, because I guess he was kidding, but that was just weird. And then with the chair he was like "why are you sitting so far from me, you can sit closer." So I was bugging, I just said no thanks I always sit here. Anyways, the night ended and I got home safely, it was jsut a scary situation. I told my mom and she did not like it at all that I was closing register with him. It's not like this is the first time closing register, just not with him though and this new rule. but it was just awkward and weird. I mean the new manager is nice to me, very nice to me.. But still... Its kind of freaky and scary. I don't want to close register anymore, I mean i could just be thinking on intuition which is probably the case, but I'm sure I'm not the only girl who would think like this.

I am so pissed beyond belief its ridiculous.

I hope that the heat from a thousand fucking suns burns through you so that you melt away.That the infernos of hell obiliterate your soul into pieces so that you can never have one again. I want you to drown in an ocean of blood, smother and be suffocated by it all. The devil grasp you by your fucking self and should drag you down. The bones in your every body shred into little tiny swords to cut through your skin. And that is what i feel right now. I have never ever been so pissed or hurt or used like this, and....

All this will probably subside soon.
And it hurts me but its true--
I was apparently worthless to you.


Ironically I just read this line in chapter four, and thought it went perfect with my poem and how pissed i am.

"Everything with me is either worship and passion or pity and understanding. i hate rarely, though when i hate, i hate murderously."
That line really just went with exactly how i am, and this poem or story i just did. That is so weird I wonder if reading that line was coincidental or not, right after I wrote this poem. Apparently i have a bit in common with Anais Nin.

Beach Poem

Dune fields dancing with the Wind,
whispering a stealthy secret.

Seagulls flocking to the music of the Waves,
they sing an unknown melody.

Gray clouds overlooking a gloomy Town,
miniature people living their lives.

A lonely man fishing for Hope,
He caught nothing...

Ocean foams form at the tip of their teeth,
Then fizzle down to wimpering children.

Not the first image of a beach, but this was what i felt.


* I actually love the beach, but i don't like it unless its warm and I only really like the ocean to swim in. I don't need to tan, I have always appreciated the beach for what it was. I hate when people just do nothing there.

Questions, questions, questions

What is your favorite word? Whimsical, because it just sounds so flowy and free.
What is your least favorite word? Maybe, because Its either yes or no.
What turns you on creatively, spiritually, or emotionally? Honestly, when I'm feeling depressed I like to paint or write poetry.
What turns you off? Being ignored. People do not listen to me EVER. Only person who really knows me for me is my grandma. I used tohave anxiety attacks when I was little because I DO NOT want her to die. She has part of me with her. Only person I can tell things to and listens to me.
What is your favorite curse word? Cunt, its jsut so funny to me.
What sound or noise do you love? I love hearing kids talk, its so innocent and cute. My sister's conversations with me are hilarious.
What sound or noise do you hate? Silence, It makes me think too much. I always need some type of noise, even when I sleep.
What proffession other than your own would you like to attempt? It would be so cool to be a treasure hunter in the ocean.
What proffession would you not like to do? A podiatrist, that is just gross.
If heaven exists, what would you like to hear god say when you reach the Pearly gates? You are free.

What I hate most

I absolutely positively hate people who are close minded. I cannot at all deal with people who are not open to new things or are just not open to differences. I am so happy my daddy made me watch discovery channel and history channel, because really they show why people are different and its not weird that people from different cultures are the way that they are. I hate racism too, if anything a person is the way they are because of their indivduality..If someone is fucked up and dumb and happens to be a different race from you that one person does not encompass a whole entire race. So people who are just racist just of a skin color are very close minded and do not know what they are missing out on. Because there really is so much the world can offer, if you allow yourself to explore it. It really is ridiculous that someone can dislike someone because of a skin color or because there froma different country because I mean its not something you can help. Your born that way, and we are that way mainly because of evolution due to the origins of where we are from. You can't help who you are, literally on the outside. Anyways I really do not like close minded people, I mean I guess everyone has their opinions but ummm I think their stupid if they just totally close off half the world because they think something is weird and different.