Induced Psychosis

They are watching, they watch us all the time. You just don't know it. But I do, because it is impossible to do the things we do. It is just not possible to me that we can be what we are, we are not capable of building these things alone. Thomas Edison he was an alien. Yes an alien from outer space, it jsut is not comprehendible that some guy can just figure out how to put light in bulb. Not understandable, i mean its easy tog et now, but break it down to nothing. How the fuck do you get a something? You don't its like magic, or advanced technology, that only aliens can do. Yes, we build those big buildings such as skyscrapers, but the masterminds behind it, they are aliens. No man on this planet can come up with that idea, and use mathematic and science to do that. Because we are incapable of doing that, or atleast I know I can never have the thought process to even think about it. And planes? I mean its heavier than an elephant and flies so fast, how the hell did we come up with that? Its just physically impossible for it to even work. How could something so heavy fly, it cannot. Its aliens, and holographics? There can all of a sudden be people, without them actually being there. Its aliens. There conquering us all, you just don't know it but I do. Because Im an alien, and you can't prove me wrong. I really am, as much as You don't want to believe me, I am an alien. I know all this because I'm not really from this planet, I think yu should heed my notice and take better inputs on your surroundings. Because you can trust no one, such as me. I'm not who you think I am. We will conquer you all.

If heaven was real....

If heaven is real then I would be able to come back to earth, eventually.
If heaven is real I can choose to have the same people in my life again, living with me.
If heaven is real it is always warm and toasty.
If heaven is real then it would have everything I desire at the moment.
If heaven is real I could fly.
If heaven is real then I could still be sad, who wants to be happy all the time.
If heaven is real I will know the answers I want.
If heaven is real then god does exist.
If heaven is real then the grass is bright green.
If heaven is real then the sky is bluish and pinkish and at night turns purple.
If heaven is real, my house is like a tiny cottage.
If heaven is real then I have a soul mate.
If heaven is real then I could have any book I want to read.
If heaven is real, I still need to figure things out.
If heaven is real, hell exists.
If heaven is real that its not fake.

"A walk in the park"

Silence echoes off the air--
Reverberating through her bones.

Dripping red orchids bleed their last breath...
Dirty Doves pick at her eyeballs they show the truth.

The streets. They are yellow. Yellow and melting and swirling into one.

She teethes at the roses,peeling off thier flesh.
Underneath she finds a violinist, singing a misery tale.

A castle of possums capture her , all in rows, they fake a painful death.

A fetus angel flew off the birth giving tree to speak of unknown life.
A child dressed in white sells blue to the refugees.

Violent Violets are breathing, scraping the floor, the roots of all beginnings.

An elegant crow sits perched on a lampost.
Cawing for sanity....

Her stride begins to slow down, she feels her body shiver.

The ground has an imprinting scent of iron and heat.
red, Red everywhere her eyes flutter dead.

Into the castle of tea

I see the magical kingdom up ahead. Its warm and cozy as I walk. I can't wait to reach it. As I stride toward the door my legs are like feathers, light and carefree. Upon the door I see the words "Here lies the kingdom, the kingdom of Tea." I strain myself trying to open the door, large wooden doors with a peculiar aroma of a burnt crispy lipton tea bags. I finally get it open, and to my suprise there is a a kettle at the door. "Would you like a cup of tea?" She is rather large and is boiling hot, but has a sweet angelic voice. How could I refuse?!?! "Yes my dear, I would love a cup of tea." She spouts her tea into my little chinese cup I pulled out of my pocket, and I begin to drink it. "Hmm, your tea is so lovely, it tastes like jasmine. Is that what you are?" "Why yes, I am Jasmine. Your taste buds know very well." "My name is Jasmine, actually, and you were the first today to figure out my taste. Just for that I will give you a tour of our kingdom of Tea." So on me and Jasmine go exploring this fantastic little city. It was so lovely. The first room we visited was the Oriental room. The teapots there were serving chopsticks with their tea, I met a delightful little kettle his name was Oolong, He was so cute. He even sang to me, "Im a little tea cup short and stout. Here is my handle, here is my spout, when i get all steamed up hear me shout, tip me over and pour me out!!!" "Wow", I said. "I love that song, you sang it so well.""You make me want more tea, can I have a taste of yours too?" So Oolong replied, "Of course my little deary, have a bit of me too!" So i had a bit of Oolong, and we were on our way again. So me Jasmine and Oolong went onto to another part of the kingdom. It was the coolest room of all, atleast to me that is. It had so much sugar and spices, cinnamon and hazelnut!! Oh my god, I think I was going to have a heart attack, it was a dream come true. The theme song to this part was a spoonful of sugar, it sure was the medicine to make it go down.

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So me Oolong and Jasmine went on our little tea spree. We drank so much good tea we thought we would faint. Then the good little white tea fairy came down, she said, "well my dear, I hope you enjoyed all this tea, but now you must do us all a favor, the green tea of the west wants to destroy us all. She thinks that you have come to steal our secret recipe, and that were all in it with you." "Please miss, you must help us destroy green tea!!" So I replied, " Of course Good white tea of the east, I will surely help you. Only on the condition that you will help me get back home to Good Ol' New York." White tea replied, " Yes I will, only if you defeat green tea." So me and my new friends go to defeat green tea. It was not at all an easy task, she had her sticky honey traps that caught me and I started to melt into the floor. "Oh my goodness gracious, OOLONG!!JASMINE!! the honey fiends are like quicksand, Im going down into an abyss!!" Jasmine and Oolong try their best to help me out but fail miserably. I end up in the green tea mansion, she has such an evil scent. I get almost feel it. She tried to make me drink her god awful self, but I somehow escape it everytime. She then places me in a pot, she tells me she will make sure to boil me if I don't give her back the secret recipe. Which I don't even have...
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Oolong and Jasmine in the meantime come up with an idea to get me out. They dress themselves up as the honey after somehow attaining their level of stickiness and get me out. Now me,Jasmine, and Oolong are jsut trying to get out of this horrible mansion. But of course we run into the Green Tea of the West. "Well, well my sweety, You didn't actually think you could get away from me did you?!?!" So I replied,"Well, uh i thought maybe I could get away if you weren't to have caught us... duh.?" Green tea get so mad at me she throws her big heavy kettled self at me I didn't know what to do, my first reaction was to gra the closest object nearest to me. A big ice bag, I throw it at her, and she begins to cool down. "Oh noooooooooooooooooooo!!!! My good green hotness is cooling and freezing, Ahhhh!!! My tender taste is frozen." And Green tea froze right there, in front of all our eyes. "Yay!!! we defeated her!!!
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Now we take back the journey to the castle, but I realized that I don't want tea no more. I want to go home. So, white tea came over to me and everyone celebrated our defeat of the evil green tea. White tea then told me, "You always had a way to get home, you just had to have that feeling of wanting another drink.""Wow really, thats all I had to do?!" "So I said goodbye to my dear good friends and wished upon something new.
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So I closed my eyes and said, " There's nothing like the taste of coffee, there't nothing like the taste of coffee, theres nothing like the taste of coffee." And just like that I was in starbucks.

My theory

Well I remember how you said that people our age don't think about theories and quantum physics and such. But thats not true, I do all the time. Actually, what you were saying about girls being brutal, it's very true. Because people don't tend to understand what I talk about when I speak of my theories. I say why can't we make up whatever it is that we want, why is it that we are here? So me and my friend we made up a book of theories of what we might be and why we are here. I know sounds lame, but it interests me a lot. And I always thought people would understand me, but none of my friends do, only my best friend and one other guy gets it. The last person I was with, told me I was crazy. But I disagree. Anyways this is one of my awesome theories I made up.
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So do you know how the anatomy of the body is? We have organs, a heart with capillaries and veins. Our cells make up what we do, and it can also kill as cancer which is uncontrollable cell growth. We also have blood, which is very important for us to sustain a life. Now what if were not really as important as humans think they are?
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Now lets say the earth is a organism. The earth has organs, which are continents. The eart has capillaries and veins which are rivers and lakes. the earth has blood which is the ocean. And the earth has cells which is humans. Now what if we are the uncontrollable cell growth, such as cancer in our bodies. Aren't we the ones who are actually killing our own planet? What if earth is the higher purpose and is just one of the organisms living in the galaxy.
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Anyways... People think I'm crazy when I tell them that, I mean I don't randomly go up to people and say that.Also, I'm pretty proud of myself that I could come up with this on my own. Because I put a lot of thought into it,also the fact is I absolutely hate science but I like the theoritical parts of it. But when I get to know someone, I like to talk about theories of why we are here. Because there is no right or wrong in it. Whose to say that what I said is ridiculous or wrong? There is no proof that I am wrong. I once told this to someone I thought I was good friends with, but instead they were stupid little arrogant bitches who know nothing other than drinking on the weekends.

Weird Dream

So i had the most weirdest dream ever last night, coincidentally because you were telling us to write about our dreams.
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So it happened at night, we were in some type of forest. An open forest. It wasn't very dark, it was bluish blackish outside. The scenery is really epic to the story, so in the middle of this almost night forest there were little castles. It kind of reminded me of a manor in the middle ages, you know with the serfs and the noblemen with a little church. Well yes it was like that. I believe my role in it was kind of like a serf, but a modern day serf or peasant. So me and this guy, i have no idea who he was. He was tall and had black hair and tannish skin, light tan skin. And was wearing a black type of peacoat, we had to get ready for the it gets funny, we had to get ready for the Latvian princess. I dont even know how Latvia came to mind, or if Latvia even has princesses but I think we were in a forest in Latvia. So we go into this wooden like church and were setting
So basically we need to suck up to her. Now theres a bunch of people outside, its still a summery bluish night and warm, and theres a bunch of people outside waiting for the princess to coup for it, and its jsut annoying because we have to get approved by the Latvian princess because if not she will have her guards kill you.
.......................................................................................................................................................................... me. Now this guy turns into this kid I know, and were like holding hands and then combine our hands to other peoples and we are circling this bonfire and it looks like were spiritually connecting to eachother. I was wearing this white flowy skirt, and my hair was so so so long and a flowery type shirt. So were praying and circling this fire, and then the Latvian princess shows up. Everyone starts running up to her to make sure their approved. Im just watching at a far distance because i don't want to get stampeded on and from what I see she looks loike shes been drugged up, she had a blue cape over her, her hair was long and black. She was so white, and when she spoke it was so soft and elegant. But not in a snobby way, she sounded airheaded and dumb. Her guards were basically doing everything for her. So she leaves before I can get approved and now me and this guy decided we need tom ake the best of it and because she seemed like a nice person maybe nothing will happen. We go back to our little hut, its so tiny there were literally like 8 people in the room with us. And it was a huge huge bunk bed i was on top. We were watching t.v and then...

I woke up, because it was so windy outside. :(

Jealousy

.........................................................................................................I am confused, do I like you or not...
Are we just friends, or will we become something more.

You talked of her once, you even said you tried to get her back...
But your always with me now.

Am I just a rebound?

As of now we are jsut friends, but I feel as if your expecting more...
But I am so confused...

What do you want? I can't tell.

I wish i could be like those girls...

I can tell your always nervous, you seem so unsure.

You say things to me though... Not normal people will aks me. Personal things you tell me, what do you mean by them? Do you want me to help you? Do you want me to understand you?

Or...

Is that just who you are?

I wish I could be like those girls who are outgoing...

I really do like you, the time we have spent together so far, everytime has been fun.

I wish I could be like those girls who are outgoing,pretty...

Everytime it has been just me and you. The last time we even smoked together, shared some funny stories, then really serious ones. Are we just starting a great friendship? I don't even know what I want..

I wish I could be like those girls who are outgoing,pretty,flirty...

Now today we chill again, this time your brother comes along. Your brother is the total opposite of you. He hints to me certain things, but I'm still not sure... He even told me every time at night your watching the movie I lent you...

I wish I could be like those girls who are outgoing,pretty,flirty,confident...

As of now, I don't know... Its like a game to me, but are you thinking the same thing as me? Oh well we have a good friendship as of now. And I like you as a friend... but I still wish I could be like all those other girls.

Angel and Demon Dialogue

All these were thoughts

Demon:"What a fucking Dick, I can't believe he would say that too me."
Angel:" But in a way I guess he's a little right."
Demon: "Fuck dat shit, he definetely was jsut trying to rid you somehow and was going to do it anyways but tried to do it in a nice way."
Angel:" Maybe I am just overthinking this..."
Demon: "Nahhh, He definetely was a prick and your not overthinking this, because you were nice and he took way advantage of you."
Angel:"But that's just my personality, I don't like to mean..."
Demon:"But he deserves for you to bitch him out."


Anyways, it never went along the lines of me cursing him out, it went more like this.....

Angel: "Maybe I should jsut let him know atleast that I'm here as a friend."

So I tell him that, no response.

Demon:"What a fucking douchebag!!! He can't even answer me that much. iI was jsut trying to be nice.
Angel:"Maybe he's just too busy, and I'm a hassle."

SO I met this new person, were friends and were talking about what happened. He asked me how old this kid was I told him twenty two. And my friend was like Oh shit, I would;ve totally beat him up for you, because coincientally they live around the block from eachother.

Angel:"Well that isn't nice to say, and a bit awkward."
Demon: "We should definetely go and beat the living crap outta him, I hate his guts.
Demon:"Even better, he has a black honda civic with black illegal tinted windows, and I know how important they are too him, I mean he loves those tints....Lets go scrape that shit off."

Nightmare

A nightmare I recently had was not too long ago. It was actually really cool. Anyways, when I had it it was when I worked in Halloween City. So before I tell it, the store I worked at was when you walk in the cash registers were next to the door, and walking towards the back were the fitting rooms. My job was very strange.... I mean very strange....We had three managers, one got fired so a new guy came in. he definetely was a creeper, because as soon as he came there apparently were peeping holes in the fitting rooms. And he would try and make us all, all the girls follow him to the storage room. Um... I found my way out of it, because my friend was there so I ran to him. But anyways,in my nightmare the seting was the store. I went to the fitting rooms in the back to talk to my friend, so were talking and what not, and then the creeper manager and my nice manager came to us and were fighting. Now i have no idea where this came from, but their was a wand next to me and my friend Pats head in my dream. And my two managers were like we need to duel!! So I was like "Oh, I know how to activate the wand." SO now there trying to make me activate this wand to duel, and so I did, but Pat was like "Yo, we gotta get outta here, their going to kill us too."
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So me and Patrick started running away, haha, and all of a sudden Patrick became someone else, who iI havent even talked to or seen and his name is Jason. Now me and Jason are running away while the two managers are shooting us, because apparently the wand was some special wand. And i took it. All of a sudden it becomes night, and me and Jason realized we got shot. We run across the street to Dunkin Donuts and the women working there lets us stay there and hide. Now I have no idea how this happened, but my managers aren't only managers of the store but managers of the whole city. So they run this town. To resolve this problem me and Jason go to some psychic place. Now it turns into someone I don't even know, Jason is some guy Ihave no idea who though. So me and this guy go to a crackhouse, I beleive because I dont know how a crackhouse looks. And its all gloomy, and there just people lying on the floor, and drugged up. So we got to this table, and the psychic isplaying poker. (Mind you, we have been shot). SO to talk to the psychic we have to play poker and win. Which we do, we ask the psychic are we going to live. He told us something, which i totally forgot. but I feel as if he must've said somwthing really important even to real life, and thats why I dont't remember. But in my dream I passed out. Which is weird right? In my dream I remeber seeing all black passing out. But anyways I woke up, and I'm in a white wedding dress, and the guy that I was with happened to love me and wanted to do everything he could to make me happy before I died. All I know is that in that part of my dream I was so happy, mind you I have no idea who this guy was and I mean we were going to die. But anyways, we walk out of this crackhouse thing its morning now, and the sun was setting and the crackhouse is high up in the air, like on a cliff by the docks. And we look down and its jsut water, so rather than sufferering we jumped off. When we hit the water, I woke up.

That day.

They were watching walker texas ranger dowstairs, she was nine and she was with her grandma. She always used to get a kick out of her grandma singing the theme song, she couldn't wait to say the same line after every time they heard the theme song, " Grandma! You sing it so well."

..............................They lived in a pink Brooklyn house, It was an apartment house, she would go there on the weekends because her mom and dad divorced when she was very young and her dad still lived their with his parents. Also the upstairs part of the house was an apartment to her cousins and aunt and uncle. Her cousins were younger then her, one was a boy and the other a girl. She was closer to the girl, she was six. They boy was four.

................................................................ She notices that the chandelier started shaking profusely and heard loud banging noises from upstairs.

...........The girl- "Grandma, what they doin' upstairs."
...........Grandma- "I don't know, uhhh stay downstairs, I'll be right back."

Now they say you should listen to your elders when spoken too, but she was curious to know what was going on upstairs. Also only a half hour before she was playing with her cousins, so she was still very active.

.........................................Her Grandma was up there for awhile ( 2 minutes), so she decided to go up to see what was going on.

She ran down the hallway and quickly up the stairs.
The vision she saw still burns through her eyes.....
.................................................................................................... Her uncle(blood uncle) drunkely was standing up over her aunt. He was pulling her hair back and beating the living shit outta her(she had pawned a ring he got her.) The thing was she didn't really care what wa soging on with them. It was her cousins faces that she was mostly disturbed at.

The four year old was in the corner of the room, his hands covering his ears and tears running down his face. The six year old was on the total opposite of the room, she was sitting with her knees to her chest and her face was so white.....

There was nothing for grandma to do... She just ran to her cousins and grabbed them and brought them dowstairs. That night they had a sleepover.


.........................What I think about the most is, while we were watching walker texas ranger, what had set that fight off. What were they doing the before the moment they got into an absusive fight? Like what was going on in the cousins mind. This never got old.

Vain Pain

Stinging fire bursts begin to burn through my eyes.
I feel the searing heat down my cheek, so quickly I wipe it away.

On the back of my hand I examine these small specks of water;they have so much meaning.
They begin to tingle with all their emotions, melting into my skin.

An aroma of steaming salt begins to linger-
A stained face with last night's fight.

Although the tears begin to disappear.
The dissolving water remains in vein....

The Horror, The horror

Creeping among her soul during the night
.................................................In bed cold fingers s
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Unknowingly she holds her covers tight.
Eearie images vivid in. her mind....

...................................................................................... Unconciously r e a c h i n g for a way out.

Scenarios his cloak follows her track.
Under blankets shes captured in his drought.
She wanders into a room filled with black.

...............................................................................Twisting with fear she sees this is a trap.
...............................................................................She turns real fast to escape this new fate.
...............................................................................Frightened from this she wakes up from her nap
...............................................................................To see this was the life she had create.

This nightmare seemed to her to be unreal.
but truly this was the fate that she had seal.

Pure Evil.

Pure evil lies in ignorance. I think ignorance is the key to evilness, if one isn't open minded and thinks only for themselves and the ones they love then that is ignorance and that is mainly the reason why there are problems in the world. Take for instance the Iraqi war, I was listening to my math teacher the other day she's like eighty something years old and she prays in the beginning of class. She said, " God bless our country and may our soldiers win and let the evilness that there doing there cease." I mean what makes the U.S any more right than the iraqis? I mean I'm not against our soldiers or anything, I look up to them. But truth of the matter is that the Iraqis are just as right as we are.. Aren't they? Don't they atleast have the right to fight for their lives against us? And it just pissed me off that my math teacher would say that because she tries to be all good and pray to the lord for that, but we shouldn't just pray for OUR COUNTRY, we should pray for EVERY SINGLE BEING ON THIS PLANET. .....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

If you pray that is. I don't believe any set individual is wrong in the matter of war, unless they are killing for fun. I think every person has the right to atleast defend themselves, first off I just don' think there should be fighting to begin with. I mean no offense but is there any reason for anybody to be dying. I mean yes there is honor to die for your country, but I think it's sad that people our age are dying for this country when there is way more to live for. I would rather them come home and we all have to suffer the consequences together if there were no american soldiers there. Because honestly for those who say "well if we pull out now there going to bomb us", thats selfish. Because I would rather us all die together as a nation, then have innocent twenty year olds dying for us to live. In a way were all guilty then. And war and fighting all stem from ignorance.

A place where it hurts

I still recall that day.
............................................................A cold winter day January, and nothing else to do but to smoke a blunt.
........................or thats what we thought to do to keep us warm and entertained.
........Beach run....


.....................................................We drove for what seemed like years, giggling and laughing the whole entire time.
.............Not the brightest idea..
"Yo man, I think those are fucking aliens in the sky."

Me: "Um no those are just lights, your definetely buggin,HA HA..."

Me: " Why do you think we don't use the whole paper because it makes like no sense that we only write up to the margins, we waste all them trees, and this song sounds so good right now."


...........Its actually still quite funny to think about.

......................................"I think we should turn around an take this exit and make sure there not aliens."(my friends)

..........Me:"Whatever."(completely stoned)

............................................So they totally miss the exit and drive over the grass, just an inch, not even dangerously or anything.

Flashing red lights. FUCK.

............................................"Have you been drinking tonight?"

"No."

................................................................Cop: "Alright, well if I find nothing in this car, I'll let you guys go."

In my head:"Yes, were good."

..........................................................Cop: "Well it's like christmas morning!! Look at what I found here."
........................................Me(in my head): "Why the hell would anyone have so much drugs in one car!! this is so fucked up... I don't even do that shit, i just smoked a blunt is all.I don't even drink!! "

Well thats about the end of that story, I rather not go too deep into it. Court dates, I mean I was wrong, but I didn't know that all that was in the car. Never a car again.

Fear.

I have the fear of the unknown. Im not afraid to die, and how I am going to die. But I do fear what's going to happen after death. I used to get horrible anxiety due to it, I still do actually. I can never sleep, at one time I was taking benadryl, tynenol pm and nyquil just to avoid my anxiety so I could sleep. Until my mom found out, she was pretty mad about that. But upto today I can't sleep well because of my fear of thinking too much. I really think way too miuch about after death and why is it that we are even here? Really what is reason in my being? Am I even doing anyone any good? I mean really... Even speaking of it now isn;t such a great feeling. Because I really hate thinking.

Bob Dylan Review of Nobodys home part one extra credit

Bob Dylan is a "Rolling Stone."

The movie begins with Dylan speaking how he has been looking for a home that he had forgotten about. Then cuts to the song "Like a Rolling Stone" because like his song he has "No Direction Home." Music was a huge part of his life even at a young age. He began to play guitar at the age of ten and was widely inspired by a country song known as "Drifting far from shore." He says that the song made him feel, " As if he was born to the wrong parents or something." The area he lived in was very rural, people would do "odd things." It seemed like the most fun he would have was listening to the radio, one of these men who enchanted him with a "voodoo-like voice" was Johnny Ray. Another was Muddy Waters, he mentions that it was never the singer who he would pay attention to but the music that the musician had produced it, in this situation an African American(Dylan).
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One time for his school, he played the piano on stage in fornt of the class audience. According to one of his friends it looked like he was attacking the piano. So the principal had to close the curtain on him saying it was unsuitable. This already shows that he had established that he wanted to be different form the generation he had grown in. He even says, " Time obliterated the past."
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As the movie progresses, we continue to see Dylan perform his music, and as he is leaving to get in his car after performing "Like a Rolling Stone," the English audience comments that his new music totally changed. One fan even mentioning that, "he is prostituting himself." Many people liked his freewheelin' album, but the next album had loss the rhythm of his guitar.
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Bob Dylan then begins to talk of his adolescent ages and that he attended Minnesota University. However, he never even attended the classes. Also unlike other artists, "he didn't really have a past to write about at the time." Yet, he felt that he fit in with the "mad ones." The importance of music also take a turn in this part of his life when he traded in all his electric equipment to buy an acoustic guitar, without moments of attaining it he began to play it.
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The next transformation for Bob Dylan was his name, his last name is not really Dylan. Some say that he borrowed his last name from Dylan Thomas, a poet. Others say he got his name to reduce racial tension towards himself due to anti semitism. But Bob Dylan said that he dosen't even know how the name really stuck. (Personally I just don't think he wants to share that with us). Another big influence to his music was Woody Guthrie, he said about Guthrie that, " You could listen to his songs and learn how to live." He even attempted to go to New York to meet Woody Guthrie.
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The folk Dylan started coming around after his view of Joan Baez. He saw her on T.V and, "thought she needed a singing partner." By around this time the moving part of the nation was in Greenwich village, it was a bohemian atmosphere and was bombarded with art movements, and known to be the birth of great creativity. To encompass himself with this area he also began to play in "The Village" cafes. He caught the attention of many because he was playing Woody Guthrie songs.

I sometimes forget who I am

..................................................................................What I mean is sometimes I forget my religion and where my family comes from. Personally I hate when people take too much pride into their cultures, I mean I am proud to say where I am from. But I hate when people do that, and forget America but their living in it. But anyways, my family is from trinidad. I am the first born generation here, and I love it here. I mean I love New York, I don't think I would want to ever live in any other state. But anyways my family is Trinidadian, but in Trinidad its like groups of different races. I mean mostly New York is obviously like that too, but in Trinidad its really small, so we have only those certain groups the most. But yes anyways, we have mostly groups of either Blacks, Indians, Chinese, Dutch, English Irish, and Arab. They mix a lot too, I mean more then here. Its impossible to find someone who isn't mixed. Like I'm indian, dutch, and chinese. We take mostly more on the Indian side because thats what we mostly are. But when I was younger I was always embarassed to show that I was indian, because I mean honestly people here sometimes can be arrogant. Not all, but there are jsut stupid stereotypes. I mean I used to absolutely love saturday mornings with my dad, we would wake up mad early and watch hindi songs because there was this program on t.v called namaste america and play all songs from hindi films. I mean hindi music, it is so so so good. I don't understand what their saying, but the english subtitles, its like poetry. Its so beautiful, their meanings are so incredibly beautiful. And so then we would watch hindi films too. ........................................................................................................................................................

We would watch the classic ones, not the new ones because the new ones now are too "americanized." By that I mean, hindi films are indian because thats what they are. now they try and make it to american or western. Hindi films are supposed to be sappy and romantic and their is always singing and dancing in it. And the way the women dress are so pretty and different, now they dress like us. Which is annoying, you know? So I used to watch hindi films from the 1960s-70s. They always make me cry, they still make me cry. The only reason I'm talking about this is because my dad bought two new hindi films this week, and I was like this is so stupid, I haven't seen an indian movie in years now. So I thought it was going to be stupid.... I ended up balling because it was so sad. I mean if your open minded to new things, you should watch a hindi film, they make you cry and their like poetry. I mean I personally think their like poetry. So I know Mike, you have an interest in India, if you want a good bit of it, you should watch a classic hindi film. they are good, I personally like this one called shor, and another called hare rama hare krishna. Hare rama Hare krishna makes me cry everytime i hear this one song. So yes, I think I would like to go to India one day, because my mom always wanted me to go but she always wanted to take me there when I would understand it. because India is struck with poverty, and at a young age, I would never understand it. But I think im prepared now. And I also am going to start watching hindi films gain, because at one time it was a huge part of my life. And I mean I guess its like tradition, so I don't think I should lose it, You know?

Stealthy

Teeth

...................smushing against teeth

i feel your tongue

..................................................................................swirling around
................hands compressed against my head

stealthily........................creep down my body...
.................Touching..
.......................................................bothered.
Hot.Heat.Scorching.....................................................................................NOW.

...............................Temptations rise and hair gets messy.
Rolling around.
.....................................Articles of clothes are ripped away.
Hmmm.....Sensations of bitter sweetness.
........................................................................................

.Begging for more, when it is done.
.......................... Hopefully another time again. Time to go.

Close Encounters

I work at a halloween store, so i can tell you I come across many interesting people. I work the cash register, I am one of the only ones who actually does the cash register too, which sucks because I usually have to stay later than others. But anyways I meet many odd people. My register is right next to the front of the store, so yesturday I saw this one guy walk in. He was in his mid fifties, gray hair but full. He had overalls on, not a sight you see often, but with white paint splattered all over it. He walked in with his son or maybe grandson, saw me, and walked straight up to me. I mean if you saw this guy you would think he was a hick or something and seemed pretty mean too.I would've thought he had a deep manly voice, but instead he came up and speaking softly asked me for cow ears. I told him, "No I don't think so, but you can look in the animal section." When telling him that I examined he looked kind of like Freddy Krueger, ironic because I work in a halloween place, and his eyes were very beady and small. Way too small for his chubby face. His lips were puckered up and tiny, like a baby that was on a pacifier for too long. His nose was also very small, it jsut seemed like his face was too big for his face parts. He also wore glases, that hung over his nose rather than on his eyes. He had a limp too, I have no idea how he got it, but I bet it could be a story. His son/grandson followed behind him, and said "I'm scared to walk through the store." But the guy said "What are you scared of come on." Not in a mean way though in a way to teach a boy to be a man type of way. After a few minutes he came back to buy his product, it was devil ears. So I asked him, " What is it for." He told me suprisingly it was for his pooch. Imagine that! Some overly grown, guy who would be judged to be scary was buying something for his dog to dress up for halloween. So I was like, "oh thats so cute, I know dogs don't usually like costumes." He then went into this whole story about his pup, and told me, "he's a crazy dog, when i use my leaf blower the dog will go chasing after it." Laughing as he went out the door, with his hands holding his son/grandsons. Its funny how you see people and judge them, because you wouldn't guess the guy who looks like Freddy Krueger and wears overalls cares so much for his dog.

New concept of wordplay i made up.

Okay well I made up this new concept of wordplay and it can go along with the flash fiction. You see what you do is take a big word and break it down and then make a story up about it.

Say like the word beautiful.
Broken down the word is bee-you-tea-full
Now with the words bee, you, tea, and full I can make up a whole story with those words.

White suits, hairs pinned back. It was a scene of those people "sitting in an English garden." One of the men their was known as Henry Potter, he was the master of business. He had a meeting with this "new kid"James Smith, to create a new iron guilded company that would in his words, "take over the world". The bees were buzzing all around, much of an annoyance to Henry. Not only that but the weather was a cruel punishment for him, his brows forming little sweat beads and the sweltering heat only made him feel more frustrated. He really didn't care to hear the ideas of a new man in the other bussiness, nonetheless create a big company with some unexperienced "kid". A few more minutes passed and his visitor had arrived, but to his dismay he brought a visitor along. This dashing young woman with radiant eyes, and lips that could burn through your skin. Conversing with one another(the two men), this woman just stared through Henry, he felt like she had cast a spell on him. He couldn't even concentrate on what his partner was saying. To calm his nerves he began to sip his tea more than neccessary because it was the only thing to keep him focused. His partner had interrupted their conversation to go on a break, they were speaking for atleast an hour now and Henry began to feel really illogical. "How is it that this woman can re-route my whole train of thought, I must look like a fool right now!" He thought to himself. Henry sat their quietly with this lady, until she said, "You seem very uneasy, is something bothering you?" "Is she serious, he thought, do I look that unproffessional right now, or is she trying to make me look bad?" To this he replied, "No, nothing is bothering me." And the conversation ended. Whoever this temptress may be, Henry knew that all he wanted to do was see her again. Later throughout their meeting, Henry asked who the young lady was. It happened to be the James's sister. She was a Beautiful young thing and only he really wanted to do was get to know her... But not here, not during his business time. He didn't want her to think he wanted her more than he wanted his business. But his heart was racing, and his body was pulsating with desire. Finally the meeting had come to an end. Henry had no idea what his new partner was saying, but he made sure and shook his hand firmly and invited him into his companies new idea. And to this Henry said goodbye to his partner and sister, and they parted ways.

After getting Henry out of the picture, James and his "sister" excitedly talked about how big of a fool they made Henry look. "He is so full of it, said James. "I knew all I had to do to get the job was bring you along." "No matter how big of a business or guy you maybe, nobody could resist the beauty of my lover."Said James. " Your such a tease", said James's lover. And to that they made love all night long.


So that was funny. I really tried to write whatever came to mind when i thought of these words put together and this was the outcome

I remember it like it was yesturday.

You see there is this one memory that will always be in my head, and it's the day my aunt stole my cousins. Legit. Well to make a long story short, in brooklyn I live with my dad, grandma, and grandpa on the weekends. In the upstairs apartment lived my two cousins, aunt and uncle. My uncle is my blood relation. So my uncle wasn't a great husband, he would beat the living crap out of my aunt, he drank a lot. I mean it was like so normal to me at one point. "Oh grandma what's that noise upstairs" and in my head i knew what it was. I always ran up there to see to. Not a very nice sight at all.... I don't even want to go into details. So anyways, my grandma would run upstairs and take my two cousins and bring them dowstairs. I mean their kind of scarred for life, they saw it almost everyday. But i was so so so so so close to my cousins, incredibly close to them. They were siblings, not cousins. I was eleven when this happened, but my aunt stole a card from duane reade and identity theft. Blah. And went to jail, when she got out she blamed my uncle obviously, and other stuff happened too. But my aunt went to live with some other people, and my cousins remained with us. But this is what I recall and regret for the rest of my life. I could never ever forgive my "aunt" she's not my aunt anyways, i hate her fucking guts. She stole my childhood from me. I mean I guess my uncle's no better obviously, but I hate her more. So she came back from her stay away, and I remember saying "grandma, auntie marcia is home!" and grandma opened the door for her and let her go upstairs and told my aunt, "you did what you did and now it's done." So my grandma told me to get her laundry for her, which I did. And when I went to bring it to her, I noticed she was hiding something behind the door. I didn;t ask or anything I jsut gave her, her clothes and I knew, I KNEW WHAT IT WAS THAT SHE WAS DOING. but at the same time i was eleven, like what the fuck am I supposed to do. So go back to my grandma and after five minutes I go back upstairs, to my dismay my cousins are gone and so is my aunt. Ha she stole them. I told my grandma their gone, my grandma knew what it meant. I should have said something earlier, but the past is the past. Nothing I could do now. She basically snatched away my family, like ruined my grandma, and other stuff too, but thats another story. Anyways, is good now. I see my cousins every so often, the way it should really be, and my uncle and aunt are still married but live upstate. I guess its one of those odd relationships that one likes to get abused, I don't know. But yes anyways, i still regret it today. And Im still mad at her for various amount of reasons. I guess thats life, everyone has problems. I'm glad none of them are mine though. I just hated being apart of it, and suffering the consequences. I really do love my cousins a lot, and really a lot of my childhood was taken away because of this dilemma.

Oh p.s behind the door was my cousins. I'm so oblivious. I should've known it was them behind there. I guess things happen for a reason.

It is what it is.

So let's see today was pretty interesting. i worked for five to six hours today and it was actually very strange.The significance of this day at work was that we got a new manager! A manager who is a complete and total dick! Not to me though, nor the other girls... Which isn't a suprise. He kind of freaks me out a bit, not going to lie. But anyways the significance of today is that I am the closing cashier, and it was just me and this freaky new manager in the store alone. I was very afraid, I don't know him and I mean myself being who I am, I'm not very capable of defending myself. And I know this is obviously thinking way too far ahead, but I think when your a girl you think of these things because it is quite a scary situation. So i was thinking i hope I don't get killed, I hope he dosen't kill me etc. And then he told me this new rule put into place, and of course I am the first one who has to follow up on this. But it is too follow him to the bank in my car, so that I could be a "witness" to him depositing the money, just in case he gets robbed. Um okay... Because if I saw this big old man getting robbed, I am going to stick around and help. As good as a person I am, I'm not exactly security guard type, I don't even weigh 100 pounds. So as hes telling me this, he also tells me if i were to steal money from your cash register, you can get into trouble too. So my response was, " Like you mean I'm some type of acquiantance." He laughed, because I guess he was kidding, but that was just weird. And then with the chair he was like "why are you sitting so far from me, you can sit closer." So I was bugging, I just said no thanks I always sit here. Anyways, the night ended and I got home safely, it was jsut a scary situation. I told my mom and she did not like it at all that I was closing register with him. It's not like this is the first time closing register, just not with him though and this new rule. but it was just awkward and weird. I mean the new manager is nice to me, very nice to me.. But still... Its kind of freaky and scary. I don't want to close register anymore, I mean i could just be thinking on intuition which is probably the case, but I'm sure I'm not the only girl who would think like this.

I am so pissed beyond belief its ridiculous.

I hope that the heat from a thousand fucking suns burns through you so that you melt away.That the infernos of hell obiliterate your soul into pieces so that you can never have one again. I want you to drown in an ocean of blood, smother and be suffocated by it all. The devil grasp you by your fucking self and should drag you down. The bones in your every body shred into little tiny swords to cut through your skin. And that is what i feel right now. I have never ever been so pissed or hurt or used like this, and....

All this will probably subside soon.
And it hurts me but its true--
I was apparently worthless to you.


Ironically I just read this line in chapter four, and thought it went perfect with my poem and how pissed i am.

"Everything with me is either worship and passion or pity and understanding. i hate rarely, though when i hate, i hate murderously."
That line really just went with exactly how i am, and this poem or story i just did. That is so weird I wonder if reading that line was coincidental or not, right after I wrote this poem. Apparently i have a bit in common with Anais Nin.

Beach Poem

Dune fields dancing with the Wind,
whispering a stealthy secret.

Seagulls flocking to the music of the Waves,
they sing an unknown melody.

Gray clouds overlooking a gloomy Town,
miniature people living their lives.

A lonely man fishing for Hope,
He caught nothing...

Ocean foams form at the tip of their teeth,
Then fizzle down to wimpering children.

Not the first image of a beach, but this was what i felt.


* I actually love the beach, but i don't like it unless its warm and I only really like the ocean to swim in. I don't need to tan, I have always appreciated the beach for what it was. I hate when people just do nothing there.

Questions, questions, questions

What is your favorite word? Whimsical, because it just sounds so flowy and free.
What is your least favorite word? Maybe, because Its either yes or no.
What turns you on creatively, spiritually, or emotionally? Honestly, when I'm feeling depressed I like to paint or write poetry.
What turns you off? Being ignored. People do not listen to me EVER. Only person who really knows me for me is my grandma. I used tohave anxiety attacks when I was little because I DO NOT want her to die. She has part of me with her. Only person I can tell things to and listens to me.
What is your favorite curse word? Cunt, its jsut so funny to me.
What sound or noise do you love? I love hearing kids talk, its so innocent and cute. My sister's conversations with me are hilarious.
What sound or noise do you hate? Silence, It makes me think too much. I always need some type of noise, even when I sleep.
What proffession other than your own would you like to attempt? It would be so cool to be a treasure hunter in the ocean.
What proffession would you not like to do? A podiatrist, that is just gross.
If heaven exists, what would you like to hear god say when you reach the Pearly gates? You are free.

What I hate most

I absolutely positively hate people who are close minded. I cannot at all deal with people who are not open to new things or are just not open to differences. I am so happy my daddy made me watch discovery channel and history channel, because really they show why people are different and its not weird that people from different cultures are the way that they are. I hate racism too, if anything a person is the way they are because of their indivduality..If someone is fucked up and dumb and happens to be a different race from you that one person does not encompass a whole entire race. So people who are just racist just of a skin color are very close minded and do not know what they are missing out on. Because there really is so much the world can offer, if you allow yourself to explore it. It really is ridiculous that someone can dislike someone because of a skin color or because there froma different country because I mean its not something you can help. Your born that way, and we are that way mainly because of evolution due to the origins of where we are from. You can't help who you are, literally on the outside. Anyways I really do not like close minded people, I mean I guess everyone has their opinions but ummm I think their stupid if they just totally close off half the world because they think something is weird and different.

Beach Haiku

Wind shrieks past my hair

Green masses ripple on rocks

Clouds shroud the dark beach

Tangled

Well i tried to put a picture up to make a poem with the picture... but it didn't work. Anyways the picture is on my flickr account and its of a dead rose in my room tangled in necklaces.So I'm still going to write the poem to go with the picture, but you just can't see the picture on my blog... But you can see it on my flickr.

Tangled and wrapped by chains.
My rose is bounded by my necklaces.

Yearning for the thirst to be quenched.
My rose is dead not a drop of water in its system.

Strangled by the metal grip of society.
My rose is locked up inside my room.

Dependance for survival.
My rose stands straight because of my mirror.

My rose is dead.
but no.Not I.

However....

We both do have a special link.
Which is that we must have societies drink.

My teddy bear is quite the extraordinary ordinary

His name is teddier. So original isn't it? He smells like lavender juices. He has a pouty tummy. He's not happy, he has a tiny centimeter line as a mouth. His nose is ripped up, the threading is mostly gone. The threading looks like its supposed to be red, but its brownish now. His eyes are reddish but black. He does not feel soft.... at all. He feels matted and sticky. His ears are half circles and small. He has stocky arms and legs. He has a tail and its circular and small. It says gund on his tag, he was made in korea, he is machine washable on gentle cycle dry on low heat and remove promptly.His tag is disgusting and is turning brownish blackish. But.... I still love him, I don't think theres a night since i was four that i havent slept without him. Unless i went out of the country or out of state. Literally, one time when me and my mom and stepdad went to the hamptons which is really far i left him there in some hotel room.... And i made my parents call the hotel.. find him.. and mail him back to us.. I am extremely close to this teddy bear. I do not even know where i got him from, all i know is that i totally forgot that i still sleep with him, until just now.

My stream of conciousness.

blue yellow green mommy daddy fingers nails pink gabby flowers the blinds are skeleton drawing charcoal black and white bob marley has fan lights feathers on headband drawer cartoon t.v clock purple eyes billy billy florida hate is stupid confused dumb fuck not happy but laughing this is hysterical what is going on laughing toothpaste pillows teddy bear is smiling freaky weird work goth kid halloween customers hate being cashier twelve cents missing buttons yellow.....yellow green gray nails time flies by ten minutes red colors color theory theories earth stephen hawking black holes paralyzed swinging swings at playground happiness dizzy gross woodchips kyle brother braces seventh grade awkward had big ass glasses black hair wigs halloween work tomorrow hate money though money is silly love is better beatles strawberry fields george walrus seals killer whales marine life zoo tycoon sims daddy grandma da dialysis diabetes anxiety fear unknown who what to say next confused green air conditioning numbers mighty b cartoon nickeolodeon spongebob gabby love hate evil good bad moon sun im done.

I don't get me.

Im not like many other people.
or
to me that is how i feel.
Some see me as naive or innocent.
So to be accepted I fit into that role.
Just to feel accepted.
but most of the I time hate people.
I try not to, but people fucking tick me off sometimes.
I want to say the truth, and breathe more confidently.
but I can't, I truly do not like myself. I never have, and I dont think I ever will.
It something that stemmed from a long time ago.
I never let my true feelings out, EVER. I think that is my main problem with people.
How are they supposed to know how I feel, if i don't let them in?
I always put the mask on, that I'm fine with what what's going on and that I dont care. Truth is I do care, and it does hurt me.
Im very confused, I dont know what to do, I don't even know if all that im saying is true. For me the truth is insanity, if I express myself too much I will be hurt.

Sometimes I think I am a prisoner of my own thoughts.

This actually made me cry, because I realize I don't know what I want. Probably sounds pathetic and normally i would say i dont care what you think, but i do. And i think most of the people who say they don't care, do care what others think of them.

Death Haiku

Death rains down fury

Destroying mortality

Disturbed with the fear

Poor little raisin

Little underappreciated raisin,
your more than you seem...

The hardships you went through are never recongnized.
Once a juicy,plump grape with a smooth clean texture.

Oh! but you have grown so old.
Becoming a crinkly, smelly, withered ball so squishy like...
rotting flesh-

But you taste so delightful,
with your beautiful scent of sweetness.

If only one knew how much you went through,
they would see your not to different from an aging grandparent...
Filled with wisdom and tenderness.

IMAGINE meeting these people

1) John Lennon
2)Bob Marley
3)Jimi Hendrix
4)J.K Rowling
5)Ken Kesey
6)Ghandi
7)Wilfred Owen
8)Seth Rogen
9)Princess Diana
10)Pocahontas

Springboard

How am I feeling right now?

I feel like I have been really really used and taken advantage of. I am actually a very nice person, maybe too nice. So I do not get why someone would say all these things, and clearly state that I WILL NOT IGNORE YOU, but unsuprisingly they are. However, this person told me not ignore them or push them away, and told ME to tell THEM that when I am feeling as if I'm being ignored to tell them. So I did. And this person so happens to be ignoring me right now when I know he has his phone because I'm not dumb, and only two days was talking fine to me and said yeah "lets chill tonight", but then odd enough that same night he started ignoring me. So I do not get it, mind you this person was the first in this conversation that day to text me. But something must be really wrong with them, or they have major moodswings because I do not get how you can go from talking so much to a person and saying yes we will chill, to completely ignoring them for two days. Yet, this has happened before and Im pretty stupid and still went to hang out with him the last time this happened, and funny enough he told me he was ignoring me that time. So what are they going to do tell me again they were ignoring me? And i honestly do not know what to do because i do like this person and i do understand they have issues, but why is it always convenient for them but never for me?

this was actually a very good way for me to vent.

Continuing an Owen poem

One of my favorite poets of all time is Wilfred Owen. I love how he writes his poems from within and its also appealing because its all from the experiences he had as a soldier during WWI in his short lived life.

This line is the most appealing to me its from "Exposure" and it is, " Pale flakes with lingering stealth come feeling for our faces--."

So now im going to try to continue from there...

Pale flakes with lingering stealth come feeling for our faces--
Brushing quietly amongst thy cheek, stirring us from sleep.

We watch as the sun creeps along the horizon..we cry out in despair-
Morning is breaching -- another day of unknown fears.

How do we attain freedom? There is always demons holding us back,
Conquering us with their terror, we cannot live without the feeling of dread.

No ways to suppress this tidal of restlessness, other than living them out day..by..day and night..by..night.

Life

The term Life is just a word composed of four letters, yet has so much meaning in it according to most people, to me however it is one of the biggest questions that can never be answered and has very little importance. I think that this term or definition of life to me is the first topic of my first blog ever because I hope to discover the most out of it, and as little meaning it has to me now, I hope to get more out of it in the future. One of the reasons I feel this way about life have very little importance is because I do not understand it, at all... I do not get the point of why we are here.

Ongoing assessment